We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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