I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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