Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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