Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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