someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
