I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
