Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
