I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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