I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
