in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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