I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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