I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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