Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
