My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
