I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
