Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
