i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
