i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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