Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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