Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
