i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
