This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
