I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
