Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
