I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Pants are for mortals
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
