Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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