Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
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Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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