Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
