just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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