if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
