i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
