I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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