You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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