i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Boobs speak an international language.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
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