this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
