We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
