he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Are my feet made of real feet?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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