Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
