Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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