I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You may now shotgun with the bride
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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