You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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