my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
