I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
