this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
