I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
