His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
