have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm at about main and main street
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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