I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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