So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
