I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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