My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
