So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
