I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
