He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
