you traded sex for a burrito?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.