wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
