So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
