So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
