Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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